Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
