Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
