When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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