is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
