can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
