When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
