You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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