I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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