Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
