I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
