and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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