I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
