Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
