He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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