So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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