hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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