My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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