On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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