watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Drunk is not a location!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
