just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
