I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
