everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
