So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
