I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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