Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
