Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
