look no pants
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
