you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
