His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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