Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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