I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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