Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
