One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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