I could make wine with my vomit
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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