before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
