I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
