If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
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