I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
