There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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