I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
