One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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