when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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