If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
