Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
