So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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