she woke up with a sticky ear
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
