He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
