So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
