My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
