I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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