I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
