My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
