dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
