You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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