I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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