the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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