Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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