i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
