I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
